shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
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I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
