the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
