no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
