Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just googled if crying burns calories
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
