I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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