Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
