Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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