Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
