I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
