Christians are straight up FREAKS
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
