If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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