i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
