hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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