The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
