I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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