So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
