I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
