Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
