I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
