You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
