Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
