I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
