Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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