Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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