first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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