You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
