Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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