Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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