i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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