yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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