sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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