The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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