I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
