my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
