More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
