on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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