and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
