You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
