Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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