Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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