I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
