I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
