Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
