Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The power of my boobs compel you
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
