I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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