Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
no. you can't hotbox the world.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
