Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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