remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I supernannyed him into submission
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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