Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
