I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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