we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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