Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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